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A Mother's Heart

I posted this several years ago when my son was a few months old. Reading it today brings me to tears for 2 reasons. 1- The sting of Mother's Day is very real for many women. 2- God is a true redeemer and now I have a daughter that I can build the relationship I always wanted from my mom with.


"I used to work for a department store that would hand out decorative cupcakes every year to the mom's on mother's day and I would daydream about the day I would get my long awaited cupcake. "

t's hard to find the words to express what this day means to me so bare with me. Mother's Day for the past 10 years of my life has been something I have deeply struggled with. As soon as I met the love of my life I knew deep down that I wanted a family. I wanted, even yearned to be a mother. As the years went by and I still remained childless the day became something I avoided even loathed. I used to work for a department store that would hand out decorative cupcakes every year to the mom's on mother's day and I would daydream about the day I would get my long-awaited cupcake. I know it sounds silly but watching these amazing mothers receive such a kind gesture tore me apart year after year. And not because I wasn't happy for them but because it was a prominent reminder of the emptiness I was holding on to. And the church didn't help much either, every year the pastor would invite the moms up to the pulpit to receive a carnation, meanwhile, I would be holding back tears; needless to say I still don't favor carnations.

"I decided that day that I was a mom. "

But last year had to be the hardest of all. It was the year I would have been 8 months pregnant with the baby I lost. I spent the entire week before filling my calendar with to-do's to ensure I wouldn't even notice the day. But just like the wind it came and swept me up with it. I imagined what my belly would have looked like and how great it would have felt to have that beautiful life inside me almost ready to arrive. I decided that day that I was a mom. I was a mom who loved the life growing inside her. I am a mom who will always love the life that didn't enter this world. The decision was made in my heart and promised from the God I know that I was and will always be a mom no matter what, even if that meant I was never going to have any earthly children.


"a mother's heart doesn't always belong to those with children of their own"

Little did I know I was actually pregnant with my now 3 month old son Nathanael who has lovingly taught me that a mother's heart doesn't always belong to those with children of their own. I see the love of women I personally know and how they light up when they see him, I feel their mother's heart in the way they are willing to drop everything just to show a level of support and endearment. These women like many others deserve some recognition. This day can carry an emptiness to some, and to those women, you are not alone.

To any women who feel the sting of today, I see you.

To the women staring at a negative test every month, I see you. To the women who have known the feeling of life leave their body, I see you. To the women who have been waiting for the right partner to help complete her dreams, I see you. To the women who have desperately tried for their 2nd, 3rd 4th and so on, I see you. To the women hurting from estranged relationships, I see you. To the women dreaming of motherhood but life has taken them on a different path, I see you. To the women who lost their baby too soon, I see you. To any women who feel the sting of today, I see you. You are not forgotten. Happy Mother's Day to all the women with a Mother's heart.

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